One Sheet... or is it?

Now i’m not sure if its my mind but i’m sure this advert currently on television does not say “One Sheet”

It makes me giggle every time i see it

Wordless Wednesday

Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman.. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

Midweek Fun

Every time i see this advert on TV, i laugh like mad.... Soooo Funny

PC Prudes ban Spotted Dick!!

Years ago i worked in a pub and on the menu was Spotted Dick.. We had our regular old ladies come into the pub for their lunch on a daily basis and they always giggled when asking for a Spotted Dick. I decided to spare their embarassment by writing on the board that we had "Pimpled Richard" on as a desert.
They laughed like mad when i called it that and it became a known thing in the pub.. I did it as a joke and we often said that one day it would end up with a name change... lo and behold, look whats in the news!!




SPOTTED dick ranks alongside sausage and mash, jam roly-poly and shepherd’s pie as one of the nation’s best-known dishes.


But you won’t find it on one council’s ­canteen menu because politically correct souls have decided the name is offensive. Anyone wanting the steamed suet, flour and dried fruit pudding now has to ask for spotted Richard or sultana sponge.

The ludicrous move came after staff at Flintshire County Council’s HQ in Mold, said they were embarrassed by diners sniggering as they ordered the dish. Last night council member Klaus Armstrong-Braun said: “I find this unbelievable. I have been told it happened because it was felt the name was offensive. That is ludicrous. This dish has been around for 150 years and its name has never been a problem.

“It is part of British culture and heritage and to change it because of the childish ­behaviour of a few is absolutely ridiculous.

“It will even cost money because the name labels have to be changed. It is political ­correctness gone mad.”

Tory MP Philip Davies, Parliamentary spokesman for the Campaign Against ­Political Correctness said: “They are likely to get more people sniggering ­because they are calling it spotted Richard rather than spotted dick. It also speaks ­volumes that one group can be so childish and the other so sensitive.”

A council spokesman said: “We accept that the correct title for this dish is spotted dick, but because of several immature ­comments from a few customers, catering staff renamed the dish. Staff simply acted as they thought best to put an end to unwelcome and childish comments, albeit from a very small number of customers.”

Cheeky Monkey's!

I've just read this story in a newspaper and it made me laugh so much.. The thought of a monkey running off with my knickers!!! hahahahaha

A group of tearaway baboons are wreaking havoc on a safari park after learning to crack open rooftop luggage boxes and escaping with visitors' goods.
Keepers at Knowsley Safari Park have been forced to issue warnings after the opportunistic primates developed a taste for human possessions.

The cheeky monkeys - who are known for tearing off the odd wiper or wing mirror - have been targeting cars carrying the roof boxes before pouncing on the unsuspecting visitors, who are forced to watch helplessly as their things disappear.



Now bosses at the Merseyside park have slapped the artful animals with what they call 'Anti Social Baboon Orders' and have warned visitors not to travel through the infamous monkey jungle with luggage on their roof.

With the holiday season in full swing, people are now being urged to watch the 140 baboons at play from the safety of the car-friendly route, around the outside of the baboon enclosure.

Safari Park general manager, David Ross, said when the first luggage box was broken into, staff didn't really take much notice as they thought it was a one-off incident.
But they soon realised they had a problem on their hands when visitors reported the pesky primates kept stealing their things.



'Their technique involves the largest baboons jumping up and down on the box, flexing it until the lock bursts open, then the rest of the baboons pile in to see what they can find,' Mr Ross said.

'Obviously, we're well used to them helping themselves to the odd wing mirror or wiper blade, but this has taken things to a whole new level.

'Let's face it, nobody wants to see a baboon running up a tree with their underwear.'

But Mr Ross said some visitors continued to ignore the warnings and paid a high price, with staff forced to re-enact the scenario for park guests so they could see the effect for themselves.

'Unfortunately though, we still get drivers who don't think it will happen to them and they decide to take a chance,' he said.

'That's why we recently staged a demonstration to show the reality of the risks drivers face.

'The baboons were into the luggage box on our car within minutes and absolute mayhem ensued.

'We will now be able to show photographs of this incident to visitors with cargo boxes who may be thinking of playing "Russian roulette" in the monkey jungle.'

There are currently more than 140 baboons at Knowsley Safari Park and visitor surveys consistently show them to be the attraction's most popular exhibit.

Were You Born In The 1920s,30s,40s,50s,60s, Or 70s..?

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1920’s, 30’s 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses full of asbestos.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese & tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took cadging lifts.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
A trip to the beach on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the stream and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Kebabs.
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and only opened for a few hours at weekends, somehow we didn’t starve to death!
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner shop and buy fruit Spangles and some bangers to blow up frogs with.



We ate buns, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because……
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!




We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No mobile phones – no one was able to reach us all day. And we were always O.K.
We would spend hours building our trolleys out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in streams with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on Sky, no video tape or DVD movies, no surround sound, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms……….WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.
Only girls had pierced ears!




We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross buns at Easter time…….no really!
We had air guns and catapults for our birthdays,
We drank milk laced with Strontium 90 from cows that had eaten grass covered in nuclear fallout from the atomic testing.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them from the street!
Mum didn’t have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!
Mum & Dad didn’t need Brandy, Whisky whatever when they came in from work!

Footy had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
Our teachers used to belt us with big sticks and leather straps and bully’s always ruled the playground at school.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 70 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

Where have all the cheese chapatti's gone?

A few months ago we had a Indian takeaway. With it we got a cheese chapatti. The chapatti was absolutely gorgeous and oozing with cheese.

Anyway, this cheese chapatti has been on my mind ever since and about 2 weeks ago I made some curry and asked Dave if he’d go to the Indian for a cheese chapatti. I’m just dishing our curry up when he comes home, excellent timing.
He plonks onto the worktop 2 frozen naan breads..
“Where’s my cheese chapatti”? asks me
“They don’t sell them” Dave tells me, so I get the menu out and show him them listed.
“Oh I went to the local costcutter supermarket, I thought that’s where you meant” AAARRRGGGHHH
Needless to say the dogs got my very dry, very bland naan bread.

Yesterday I made a Chicken Madras and some Bombay Potato as a side dish. When I looked in the cupboard we had no rice, another aarrgghh!
Dave came to the rescue. He trotted off to the Indian takeaway for some of their gorgeous pilau rice and also a cheese chapatti.

Once again I’d dished our curry and potatoes up as Dave walked through the door.
“This seems a heavy bag for a carton of rice and a cheese chapatti” he said.
On opening it we discovered we had a portion of chips.. 2 poppadoms, a garlic naan bread and a foil tray of chicken massala.

We’d got someone else’s order!!

Anyway we ate it all except the chicken massala which is now frozen.

Later on in the evening Dave suddenly said
“ Its weird you know, the man in the takeaway called out for Mr Wells and looked at me and handed me the takeaway”
“I did think, I never gave him my name”

Do you know the funny thing which I started giggling about when I got to bed.. Fatal as I’m a menace when I start to giggle!!

Dave’s surname isn’t Wells or anything even similar… its Rutherford!!!

Sooo the quest is on… will I ever get my cheese chapatti? Am I doomed?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA